Captain America officially opens Friday and word has it there’s a trailer for the Avengers at the end, which you may have seen online in all its poorly lit, pirated glory. While the movie promises to be the biggest damn thing in the history of comic book movies to date (and that includes the two kick ass Swamp Thing movies from the 80’s) there’s still some important decisions that have to go into making sure it doesn’t tank like so much Howard the Duck. And that means making sure a handful of Avengers are scheduled to be out of town during filming. Fact is, not everyone on the team’s roster is as cool as the Hulk or Iron Man. And no, we will not mention anyone from the Great Lakes Avengers, because those clowns don’t count.
B-Man’s powers consist of the standard mix of uncreative powers that literally every lazy character has – super strength, speed and stamina, but with the added bonus of a mild drug addiction and a heart condition. Because who cares why.
In the books, after working with him on some cockamamie scheme in the past, Captain America invites D-Bag to be the first new Avenger after the old team disbands. Then he promptly blows up in a plane crash. But fear not, because much later he does return, apparently have suffered a mental breakdown and bunking with Eskimos. Avengers, ho!
Two Gun Kid
SilverclawHispanic name Marvel writers could come up with after a 2 hour brainstorming session. Maria may trick you, at first glance, into thinking she doesn’t suck, because he powers are to basically become a werewolf. Thing is it’s not necessarily a wolf that she turns into, it’s various rainforesty animals from her home country of Marvel-Made-Up-A-South-American-Country-Istan. They could have just said she was Columbian, but instead they made her from Costa Verde. Whatever.
Anyway, it still seems like she could have potential – werejaguar, wereanaconda, that’s kind of badass. But then you look at the list of things she’s turned into you and you’ll see the words “cockatoo” and “sloth.”
Now admittedly, a weresloth can do all kinds of things, Renee Zellwegger is remarkably popular, but in the world of superheroes you really need to step it up.